Why You’re Not Making Friends as an Adult
Co-working with Britany on Friday. A walk with Kari next Tuesday. I also need to get the car over to the shop sometime this week since the engine light came on…
Like most working adults, my average week manifests as a dizzying blitz of colour-coded Google Calendar blocks. And I am, I know, among the least scheduled of my age group: I’m a full-time freelance writer, so I set my own hours. I don’t (yet) take care of an aging parent. I don’t have kids.
I do, however, have a lot of friend dates.
Having moved about four years ago—yes, right before the pandemic struck—to a city where I knew almost nobody (Portland, Oregon), making new friends as an adult became a matter of necessity. And I’m very lucky to say I’ve been overwhelmingly successful: Somehow, over these strange pandemic years, I’ve been able to settle into my chosen home and find myself slowly but surely surrounded by the coolest collection of brilliant, artistic badasses I’ve ever met. I’m grateful for all of them every single day.
And yet. Sometimes, with the logistics involved — the ever-present schedule wrangling, the what-about-the-week-after-that? planning schema required by adult life — hanging out with my very favorite people can feel a little bit like…work.
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Let me back up—because I know this is an enviable problem to have at all. Ask any group of people over 30, and they’ll likely agree: It’s hard to make friends as an adult. Close friends, nearly impossible.
And it can be hard to understand why, too. More than 10% of Canadians say they're always or often lonely — with young women and those who aren't in couples leading the charge. (The problem persists in the U.S., too, where the U.S. Health and Human Services Department says there’s an ongoing “epidemic of loneliness and isolation.")
With the increase in work-from-home jobs and ever-evolving technology-based conveniences giving us, at least in theory, more free time—with Amazon and Instacart, you could feasibly never physically go shopping again—we’re still somehow failing to connect with each other.
The main culprit, in my view: Adulthood makes seeing friends into a to-do-list item.
Sociologists have long agreed that, along with proximity and a context that allows you to put your guard down and confide in each other, repeated, unplanned interactions with acquaintances help ratchet relationships up to the next level. And adult life is, of course, all about planning. When everyone’s busy with full-time jobs, kids, and whatever other commitments they can fit on top of those two scheduling pillars, it can be almost impossible to recreate the spontaneity that made making friends so easy in high school and college.
Still, we try — scheduling an hour-long coffee date weeks in advance between pilates and a work meeting. Or, worse, we give up — and give into the loneliness that research says can lead to both physical and mental illness.
There must be a better option. Right?
How to build adult friendships — organically
As tempting as it sometimes is, you can’t throw your calendar out the window entirely; the iron fist of ballet-practice pickups and Zoom meetings will continue to pound on the podium.
But there are ways to build more adult interactions — and therefore potential friendships — into your day without adding (much) to your agenda’s head-spinning rainbow of to-dos. Why don’t you:
Become a regular
Whether it’s a coffee shop, a dog park, or a bar, becoming a regular means you’ll see at least some of the same faces over and over again. And while you may not become best friends with your barista, these so-called “weak-tie” connections have plenty of value on their own, expanding your social horizon and bringing you into contact with people you might not have met in any other capacity.
Join a group
Jennifer Barber, licensed clinical social worker and therapist based in Vancouver, Washington, told me that when she encounters lonely people in her practice — which she does a lot — she often directs them to Meetup. That’s because the power of shared interest can be, well, powerful when it comes to forging friendships. “You’re going to be able to show up not knowing anybody else — except knowing this person also likes this thing,” she explained. And for those who find it difficult to strike up conversation with strangers, engaging in a common interest can be a gentle foray into socializing. “It’s like parallel play,” Barber went on. “You don’t have to engage in conversation, but you’re learning about or engaging in this thing alongside someone.”
Be a good neighbour
Often, the people we live closest to are the people we know least well. And while you may not have much in common with your neighbors, proximity itself is already one of the factors sociologists name as a prerequisite for friendship — and you and your neighbors definitionally have that. So instead of just saying hi, consider asking how their day is going — really.
Set aside “unplanned” evenings
It might sound counterintuitive — and it’s true that plenty of adults are simply unavailable for last-minute shindigs. But others are, and the opportunity to get a spur-of-the-moment drink can replicate, at least for an hour or two, those carefree days of younger adulthood.
And either way, you’ll end up with some blessed white space in your calendar.