Be a Difficult Woman

Last week, I was sitting in a park, willing the fresh air to shock my brain out of a writing slump. On the bench to my right, a man had giant headphones on and was tapping his feet to the beat. Just as I was about to gather my things and give up, his daughter ran to him and asked if they could go home. This was the third time she had asked in about five minutes. His quick response was, "Don't be difficult; just go play." The familiar words hit me like a jolt, triggering a flight or fight response. 

The first time I came across "difficult" being attributed to a woman was while reading The Taming of Shrew by Shakespeare. As a young girl, I remember asking the English teacher at school why she was called a shrew, and she replied, "Because she was perceived as difficult." I had then wondered what makes a woman "difficult." It didn't take long for the answers to come pouring in. 

For me, it started with the classic novels—Elizabeth of Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre (along with the "madwoman in the attic"), and Jo of Little Women. Then came the films: Kat Stratford of 10 Things I Hate About You and Miranda Priestly of The Devil Wears Prada. Across cultures and centuries, these women had undeniable commonalities—strong-minded, assertive, and not people who can be forced into submissive or silent obedience to age-old gendered norms. Labelling such women as difficult is, frankly, a lazy way of reducing the space they take up in conversations. 

One of the first difficult women I met outside my family was on a flight in my late teens. In the diagonally opposite aisle seat, a woman had just taken out a book to read, which had caught my attention. While I was trying to get a glimpse of the book title, a man came over and requested if they could exchange seats, pointing to the back so that he could sit next to his wife. She smiled, said, "No, I'm good," and re-opened her book. 

Flabbergasted, he asked again, and she repeated the "no." When he asked her why, she said, "I booked this one, and I don't want to." He kept mumbling things—hoping he could embarrass her into giving it up, but she continued reading, treating him like the background noise of the plane. As he returned to his seat, he said loudly, "Heartless woman." I looked at her reflexively, expecting a reaction. She was smiling.  

Over the years, I have met many such "difficult women" who refuse to budge, be it from their place, decisions, or ideas. I didn’t have to meet many to realizate that it's ridiculously simple to be labelled difficult—all you have to say is "no." Often echoing what ethologist and conservationist Jane Goodall once said, "It doesn't take much to be considered a difficult woman. That's why there are so many of us."

It's no surprise that the perception of women as difficult is rooted in gender stereotypes. An assertive male manager at work is just a typical "boss," but an assertive female manager is labelled "bossy," which unravels quickly into whispers of how she are "unapproachable" or called the plain old "bitch."

In the Women in the Workplace report 2023 by management consulting company McKinsey, 31% of women said they don't speak up or share an opinion to avoid seeming difficult. This number increases when other intersections are considered—about 48% of women with disabilities and 42% of LGBTQ+ women feel this way.

The report further showed that 78% of women who face such microaggressions self-shield at work. They adjust how they look, sound, and act to protect themselves. This reiterates that women are often left with two choices: be the kind of woman a misogynistic society wants them to be, or be labelled as "difficult."

One of the much-talked-about examples is Meghan Markle. Called "Duchess Difficult" by a slew of tabloid newspapers, Markle has been constantly bashed for not following the traditional ways of the United Kingdom's royal family, displaying a "victim-like attitude," and having "dictatorial" behaviours. While the common public cannot really know anything real about a public figure's personality, regardless of the delusion that they do, the vile articles on Markle reek of racism and sexism. 

In October 2022, in an episode, Upending the 'Angry Black Woman' Myth of her podcast, Archetypes, Markle said, "You're allowed to set a boundary, you're allowed to be clear." And added that it "does not make you demanding, it does not make you difficult — it makes you clear."

Markle has also talked about "cowering and tiptoeing into a room" because of the fear of being perceived negatively in the workplace, as reported by The Independent. 

When you look through the lens of race, caste, class, and gender, the frequency of being referred to as "difficult," leading to snatching away of opportunities, only increases. The McKinsey report showed that black women are more than twice as likely as women overall to code-switch —or tone down what they say or do—to try to blend in and avoid a negative reaction at work.

"It's like I have to act extra happy so I'm not looked at as bitter," a Black woman with a physical disability said in the report. 

The easy-to-gain label of "difficult" also brings with it the frustrations with the constant scrutiny. A couple of years ago, I remember ranting to my mother about not knowing what being a good woman even meant. And she immediately turned to me and said, "If society thinks you are a good woman, you are doing something wrong." She added that if you are not prioritizing your needs and wants, then you are moulding yourself to fit a discriminatory status quo. The words have lingered on and have become my lighthouse as I navigate the endless sea of patriarchal ideas around women's existence.

Being called complicated (or any of the other synonyms of difficult) means that a woman has refused to conform to the sexist ideas that write her out of her own narrative. It could be a simple refusal to clean the office refrigerator or putting life on hold to start a march for equal pay in her city—the status quo is challenged. In a world not designed for women to have access to equal opportunities or fundamental rights, being unapologetically difficult is not a choice; it's a necessity. 

In April, the first all-female Dalit panel took place at Columbia University, New York, United States. Author Yashica Dutt, was part of the panel, and congratulated the organizers, especially Dalit writer and current Columbia University student Divya Malhari. On X, she wrote, "History was made last evening! It took a Dalit woman's presence for the first-ever all-Dalit woman panel to happen at Columbia." 

In another instance of women making their presence known and heard, 2,000 Swiss women won an important human rights case that could set a precedent for future climate lawsuits. The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that the Swiss government had violated its citizens' rights by not doing enough to address climate change, Reuters reported. The women, known as KlimaSeniorinnen and aged 64 years and above, argued that their government's climate inaction put their lives at risk during heatwaves. 

While these “difficult” women around the world continue to take up space and claim their place, there is a stark awareness that this is an uphill battle. As long as gender biases continue to seep into daily existence, women will be labelled "difficult" just for being who they are. However, as the author of Difficult Women: A History of Feminism in 11 Fights, Helen Lewis, said in her book, "The battles are difficult, and we must be too."

Aisiri Amin is an independent journalist based in Bangalore, India.