Did you get your weekly dose of friendship?
It's finally the weekend, and you have plans to go to brunch with a couple of friends. You know what this means; bottomless mimosas, belly laughs and piping hot tea.
Brunch is always a good time; you know you can always rely on your girls to lift your spirits. But, for some reason, you're not in the mood to go.
School, work, life...it's been hectic. The new baby hasn't been sleeping through the night. You and your beau have been arguing more lately. You're overwhelmed, and you just don't have the energy to socialize.
But, somehow, you manage to summon the motivation to go to brunch and everything changes.
You do, in fact, have bottomless mimosas. You laugh so hard and so frequently that your stomach cramps. You hear gossip so juicy that one conversation about it simply isn't enough. By the end of brunch, all is well with the world again.
I know you know this feeling because it's a feeling many of us experience, even if it has been a while. Tweets on the wonders of how friendships heal your mental health go viral every two business days.
Most of us know how crucial community is for our survival, yet we continue to deprioritize it.
A few years ago, we could blame it all on the uncertainty, health risks, and isolation the pandemic forced upon us. But today, our aversion to being in the community is primarily due to stress and burnout.
Stress is a natural part of life. Our ability to perceive stress—real or imagined—is a survival mechanism that helps us navigate the life passed on to us from our ancestors.
When we perceive a stressor, our autonomic nervous system flushes us with hormones like cortisol that trigger our fight, flight or freeze response.
If we successfully manage a stressor, our body returns to its natural rest and digest state, which is triggered by the parasympathetic nervous system.
However, if we are unable to manage said stressor, we will remain in a state of heightened arousal. If this continues over some time, everyday stress may become chronic stress. This puts us at risk of health issues and leaves us unable to deal with everyday challenges.
According to PsychCentral, we may find ourselves chronically stressed out because of "unresolved trauma, intergenerational trauma, persistent exposure to micro-aggressions, poverty, health inequity, systemic racism, toxic relationships, chronic health issues, financial challenges, sleep disturbances, post-traumatic stress disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety, and small or no support system."
It's important to note that these are only a few causes. Our personal circumstances and history can also give us insight into why our stress response is (chronically) activated.
Then there's burnout. Burnout is "a form of exhaustion that occurs when we experience too much emotional, physical, and mental fatigue for too long."
WebMD says that "burnout can be caused by stress, but it's not the same. Stress results from too much mental and physical pressure and excessive demands on your time and energy. Burnout is about too little. Too little emotion, motivation, or care. Stress can overwhelm you, but burnout makes you feel depleted and used up."
Burnout is caused by unmanageable workloads, unfair treatment at work, immense deadline pressure, feeling unrecognized and unrewarded, and a lack of downtime.
Hustle culture and the need to survive in a cataclysmic economy also contribute massively to burnout and our ability to be resilient.
Both stress and burnout manifest in very similar ways. The symptoms of both include;
Sleep disturbances
Aches and pains
Chronic fatigue
A racing heart
Lack of motivation
Depression
Cynicism
Many of us feel compelled to isolate ourselves when stressed or burnt out. We need to disappear until we have the energy to face the world again. This is a valid response. But isolation—especially when overwhelmed—can cause more harm than good.
The National Institute on Aging states that "the health risks of prolonged isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Social isolation and loneliness have been estimated to shorten a person's lifespan by as much as 15 years."
That said, it's clear that isolation is no good, and as we've already established, something magical occurs when one communes with loved ones—especially during times of stress.
It's important to note that it's about more than just communing with people. We all know what it's like to feel alone despite being surrounded by people. The quality of the people we surround ourselves with is just as important.
Healthy relationships have a significant, positive impact on our overall well-being.
The Australian Longitudinal Study of Aging followed 1500 people aged 70 and older over 10 years. The researchers found that those with the strongest network of friends and confidants were 22% less likely to die during the study than those with the weakest network of good friendships.
In addition to longevity, research has credited friendship and social connection with:
Boosting happiness
Reducing stress and stress-related health problems
Increasing sense of belonging, connection, and purpose
Lowering the risk of mental illness
Improving self-worth
Helping cope with traumas, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss, or the death of a loved one
Encouraging healthy lifestyle habits, such as exercise or quitting smoking
Promoting growth and learning, and
Providing fun
Oh… and don't forget laughter! According to the Mayo Clinic, social connections provide laughter, which helps relieve stress, improve the immune system, reduce pain, and improve mood.
While friendship is invaluable, the study shows that what’s more important is the quality time spent with said friends.
It doesn't help that we live in a society that devalues friendships and community in favour of success and recognition and the nuclear family.
It's not your fault that there is confusion about priorities. Still, hopefully, now that you're armed with this information, you can rearrange your list of priorities accordingly.
So, if you have plans this weekend and feel the urge to cancel them, don't. Go! Go this week, and the week after that, and the week after that.
Pleasure begets pleasure, and soon, you won't have to force yourself to take your weekly dosage of friendship. You'll simply reach for it with fervour.
Kelley Nele is a relationship educator.