As wedding season approaches, weekends and Pinterest boards are filling up. Similar to the workplace circa 2019, every wedding seems to have a vastly different dress code. I’ve even heard of brides telling guests the “vibe” of the wedding and sharing a mood board with perhaps the most hideous dresses I have ever seen, all in a tropical print to match the beachy wedding locale.

But when every bride(zilla) expects something different, it can be hard to decode the meaning behind the one-line dress code provided on the invite. This summer, I’m headed to a destination wedding with a “Black Tie” dress code, which I immediately panic-Googled. Not only am I worried about fitting the dress code, but also about fitting a floor-length gown into my carry-on.

As per the fashion bible known as Vogue, Black Tie “for women best translates as “long”, and in an evening-appropriate fabric, such as velvet, chiffon, silk or lace.” Okay, great; question answered. But wait – what about the fact that I am a heavy sweater at the best of times and the wedding is in the Mediterranean during peak summer heat?!

There is a provision for this case, but it still seems heavy on the sweat factor, this time in terms of risk: “A cocktail dress – shorter, possibly ritzier – might cut it if your host is of a relaxed nature, but it’s best to assume that a floor-sweeping number is expected.” In bride speak – just wear a long fucking gown.

This narrows things quite a bit. As an aforementioned sweaty queen, I have learned that my best friends are fabrics in the oh-so-fun colours of black and white. Of course, white to a wedding is out, leaving trusty black to roast me in the sun, albeit not letting the sweat lines show. Black it is!

Like many of you, given the fact that I am spending an arm and a leg to be at the wedding, there isn’t much extra budget for a designer gown. Or maybe there is extra room in the budget, but I’d rather spend it lounging and sipping Aperols on a boat day at sea – potato, potato. Either way, an inexpensive dress was what I was looking for, and I’d stop at nothing to find it. Well, in all truth, I checked two stores – Zara and H&M – and considered only a few on the pricier end for comparison purposes only. So, join me on this very Goldilocks approach to find the one that was just right…

Dress Option 1

The H&M sleeveless flounce-trimmed dress is the perfect length, but the material is not formal enough for this occasion.

Dress Option 2

An open-back satin dress is a cute option but not quite right for black-tie. Plus, I’m not quite sure what type of bra one is to wear with this type of dress.

Dress Option 3

My DREAM dress! But!! For this wedding, I would surely sweat my ass off. I am strongly considering purchasing this ahead for future events…

Dress Option 4

This bandeau dress is a great look but the tea-length is not long enough to meet the dress code.

Dress Option 5

This silk-blend halter neck style makes for a stunning dress that, while it is a great dupe of the billion-dollar Reformation version, is still a bit pricey for a one-night affair (although at publishing time is on sale!)

Dress Option 6

This gorgeous embroidered dress would be a great option for a “Cocktail” dress code, but is too informal for this occasion.

Dress Option 7

At first glance, all class. The problem with this one? The cut of the sleeves and the satin blend might mean sweat-stain galore. And the back would have me guessing about bras as well. This one would be perfect for a late September or early Fall wedding.

“Dress” Option 8

Although I am a jumpsuit fanatic, one must be aware of the circumstances when deciding on a jumpsuit. A gala with one or two drinks – perfect. A wedding ceremony, dinner and reception – there are just too many bathroom breaks to navigate for this to work. For those less concerned, this could work for an alternative option for non-dress lovers.

Dress Option 9

A long, ruffle-trimmed bandeau dress? Perfection!!! A great mix of affordability, chic fabric, different but not too “out there,” lightweight and being a 5’3” woman, this also falls below the ankles. This is the dress I’m going with, but bad news for you, dear reader: it’s sold out now, but there are suitable ruffled options here and here!

While I typically envy men for all of the things they “win” at in society, there is no way they are winning when it comes to weddings. Come sun, snow, rain or all of the above, they are stuck with relatively the same boring choice – a suit. And if not a suit, something much, much worse – a tuxedo. While I am debating what will be light and fresh enough to stay cool in, they really only have one option. To sweat it out.

I could see the argument that having just one option that can be worn over and over again frees up both financial- and mind-share. But no. This is one of the many times where girlhood, albeit annoying, expensive, and confusing at times, really is where it’s at.

I’m happy the dress I’ve picked is sweat-proof, pee-perfect, and fits into the elusive Black Tie dress code. More importantly, I have my mom's and my sister’s approval, and that’s good enough for me.

Aleah Balas is freelance writer.

Dress code: WTF do I wear to a black-tie wedding?